John Frazee is our February Featured Poet

You can email John at: johnfrazeexxx@yahoo.com

SEARCHING

Searching for life
   In all the wrong places
Seeking out friends
   In rented out spaces
 
People spouting snide remarks
   Or even worse, just staring
People point, or laugh, or jeer
   Or simply just not caring
 
Think by now I’d find someone
   To talk to, who understood
It must be me, but then again
   It might just be this neighborhood
 
How I ended up in this mess
   Is really not all that clear
But I’ve been ducking for cover
   Since the first day I got here
 
My shrink tells me it’s because of my age
   I’ll be eighteen, come this summer
He gently pats me on the head
   Then drives off in his Hummer
 
He wears a beard, a tie and hat
   And carries a walking cane
Seems this gives him the right
   To say who’s well or who’s insane
 
Went to see my dad at midnight
   He’s still forced to live undercover
Your condition isn’t my fault he said
   I blame it on your mother
   
So I phoned up mom last week to ask
   What she thinks I should do
I’m on another line she said
   I’ll get right back to you
 
Looking for some answers
   I sought the advice of peers
Beating me up they simply said
   We don’t talk to queers
 
Friends and family don’t seem to help
   And neither did therapy
I’m really starting to worry now
   If there’s any hope for me
 
Watched a show on mental health
   It was hosted by Diane Sawyer
Thought it might calm my nerves
   It just increased my paranoia
 
I feel I failed the efforts
   Of my doctor, my family, my friends
So to all of them I vow
   I will try to make amends
 
But I don’t want you to worry
   Of my fate please have no fear
You’ll never know if I’m dead or alive
   I will simply disappear  

AS I RECALL

I remember learning something
But I can’t remember that
Mom said something about winter
And don’t go out without a hat
 
I was taught so many things
I just can’t recall them all
Something about running and scissors
And what will happen if I fall
 
I recall being five or six
And forced to go to school
For fear of becoming my old man
A local, celebrated fool
 
I learned another lesson soon
When I was eight or nine
That bottle always at mama's side
Wasn’t medicine but wine
 
At twelve a point was made to me
That now seems crystal clear
Believe half of what you see in life
And none of what you hear
 
My teenage years arrived at last
The lessons came like rain
Love can give you so much pleasure
Yet cause a world of pain  
 
Mama died that April
Papa followed her in July
The lesson I learned at seventeen
Was life’s rough and then you die
 
I’ve been taught so many things
But the hardest lesson I had to learn
Some friends are worth holding onto
And some bridges you must burn
 
When all else failed I turned to books
To teach me right from wrong
Yet everything I learned is gone
Except the words to this old song

LATELY

Lately I’ve been waking up
   Where I am, I cannot tell
It seldom looks like paradise
   And it usually feels like hell
 
I have already determined
   Long before I rose
How to start my day off
   With the needle or the nose
 
The shit that I’ve been buying
   My man won’t reveal his source
It’s stronger then I’m used to
   It’s enough to kill a horse
 
Lifts me up, then drags me down
   And leaves me wanting more
If a little is good, a lot is better
   Been down this road before
 
Roaches climbing up the wall
   Rats scurry along the baseboard
You turn to Satan for salvation
   You don’t dare partition the lord
 
Skin so dry, itching like hell
   Stomach cramps and eyes blood red
Head full of lice, and open sores
   I would kill for a fresh clean bed
 
Children playing in the park
   Their future it seems so vast
I used to play, I even laughed
   That’s part of the distant past
 
I’ve known a thousand other souls
   Their stories read, as mine has read
I’d love to introduce you to them
   However most of them are dead  
 
Living on the juice this way
   Isn’t much of a life
Can’t have a family, even a friend
   Forget about taking a wife
 
One time I met this junkie chick
   Loved her and she loved me
We held on tight and formed a pact
   To quit the dope and set us free
 
The pact lasted a day, maybe two
   It always turns out this way
Loved that girl with all my heart
   I think her name was Fay
 
My brother and sister are doing well
   We were all brought up in Queens
They both still like to visit mother
   When my name comes up she screams
 
When I was young I loved her so
   Above her there was no other
She had love and pride and hope
   These things I stole from my mother
 
I stole from this one and stole from that
   I stole from one and all
I ripped off everyone I met
   I stole from Peter to pay off Paul
 
I feel as mean and lonely
   As a dog on a choke collar
Pawning loved ones diamond rings
   Getting pennies on the dollar
 
You steal and rob from so many
   It no longer feels like a crime
You simply do what must be done
   Just living one day at a time  
 
Cornered where you shouldn’t be
   Hold your breath, just don’t exhale
You pray the cops just go away
   You’ll never last a day in jail
 
Couldn’t find a place to crash
   Now that everyone knows I rob
I was running out of options
   So I went looking for a job
 
Searched my bag for a shirt to wear
   I think I chose the blue
Shaved my face and combed my hair
   But never made the interview
 
Slept on benches and in empty halls
   Even lived in an abandoned van
Never needed to set an alarm
   Was always woken by the man
 
Things hit bottom when I found myself
   Sharing space under a west side dock
I can’t imagine there’s any way out
   When you are living on a Chinese rock
 
Felt it was time to split this scene
   With no idea where I was bound
Almost made the city limits
   When they kicked me off the greyhound
 
Seasons come and seasons go
   Summer, fall, winter and spring
Promised myself this would be my year
   But I still haven’t done a thing
 
I tried to see the bright side
   The silver lining, the ray of hope
But it’s hard being mister sunshine
   When, hopelessly hooked on dope  
 
Looking back is good for the soul
   I’m here to dispute this myth
For when I deal with reminiscences
   The past is hard to live with
 
But dragging up the days gone by
   Isn’t as frightful somehow
As dealing with the present day
   And the demons I live with now

John Frazee resides in Boynton Beach, Florida (temporarily). He resides under the impression, that like the infinite number of monkeys at the infinite number of type-writers, someday he will accidentally create something worthwhile. John relies on you humans to evaluate the results of this experiment.

John has been published in Skyline Magazine and OMNI Magazine.